Because Dead Bodies Float
by Hanakami
Summary: Logic is often a horrid addition to life. It punctures holes in all sorts of nice things, namely pretty fairy tales. Apply a bit of logic, a bit of rambling, and a whole lot of randomness to one such scene, and here's what you get. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Final Fantasy VII. You should all be glad. I'm not a very responsible person.

**Author's Note: **This story is not to be taken seriously! Please don't write to me complaining about how insensitive I am or anything of the like. I know I'm insensitive! A warning beforehand, though; this story may ruin one of the loveliest, most heart-wrenching scenes of Final Fantasy VII for you. And I don't mean that it's just a spoiler; I mean, the plot is so horridly random that your respect for the scene may be forever scarred. But, if it does, hey, it's a testament to my power. Fear me.

On another note, this being my first fanfiction, it's subject to constant and brutal editing. I'm a grammar freak, a spelling freak, and a freak in general. So, if you ever go back and re-read the piece, and suddenly, it's entirely different, you have been warned. However, it's more my style just to post and then pretend it doesn't exist...

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"…So, now what?" Yuffie's soprano cut through the silence, eliciting a collaborative groan from the rest of the group.

"Can't you be a little more sensitive?" From the sounds of things, Tifa was more than a little irked at the spunky ninja. Her lovely wine eyes were narrowed to slits, and she was sending her best death glare toward the younger woman.

"Well, it's not like we can stay here forever, and we have to do _something _with the body you know…" Yuffie replied, ignoring the others' annoyed glares. "Can't let all that materia go to waste…"

Ah. So that was it. They should have figured it would have come around to materia, eventually. How thoughtless could the girl be? After all, here, at their feet, lay the (strangely bloodless) body of one of their more beloved friends: the martyr, Aeris Gainsborough. Tifa tapped a foot in annoyance and opened her mouth to reply, but….

"Yuffie, you been taken your medication? Aeris is DEAD, and you're worryin' 'bout materia?" It was Barret's turn to express his indignation, this time.

Yuffie, being the little brat she was, immediately quipped something in response. Her irritating commentary sparked a cold comment from Vincent, which Red XIII followed up with a word of wisdom. Of course, that was all it took for all hell to break loose.

Before anyone else could manage to get a word in edgewise, Yuffie was spewing a shrill chorus of "shut up" and such. All the while, Red XIII was lecturing on maturity, Barret was matching Yuffie's soprano with his baritone, Cait Sith was shrieking that they "should all just get along", Tifa was impatiently tapping a foot, Cloud was rubbing his temples, Vincent was calmly muttering that Yuffie would undoubtedly "get the silence she so desired from within the grave," Cid was saying words unfit for print, and Aeris was…well, Aeris was still lying on the ground, dead.

Thus, ten long minutes passed, before…

"Will everyone just shut up?" The group's appointed leader bellowed. "We've got a dead body to deal with, remember?"

"Yeah, Cloud's right," Tifa added. "We have to give her a proper burial…"

"Aww! Tiiiifa!" Yuffie stopped her screaming to stare wide-eyed at the martial artist. "That'll take hours!"

"Aeris was our friend!"

"Do you know how _deep _graves are!"

"Deep enough to shroud the body in the shadows. We dream of our spirits ascending to the clouds, yet we bury our bodies in the depths of the earth…"

Everyone turned to stare at Vincent, who merely stared back in his usual dark way. Actually, he wasn't feeling all that dark or morbid today, but morbid comments were the best way to shut the stupid pests up.

There was a long, deafening silence. Then….

"Why don't we just throw her out in the water?"

"Yuffie!"

"No, she has a point… We could give her a proper burial in the water. It would be honorable to bury her here." Red XIII's calm musings cut Tifa and Yuffie's latest argument short.

There was _another_ long, deafening silence.

"I think that'd be fine," Tifa finally stated. Why did she always have to make the mature decisions, anyway? Her gaze shifted to Cloud. "Cloud?"

"Yeah," he replied simply in his usual 'I'm too cool to say more than three words unless it's absolutely necessary' way.

And, thus, Aeris Gainsborough's fate was sealed. After a little bit of bickering about who had to carry the "gross dead body," a game of rock, paper, scissors determined Cloud should take up the noble task. Once the swordsman had (reluctantly) complied, the group began a somber trek out towards the front of the building... Well, it was somber enough, save for Yuffie's repeated attempts to steal Aeris' materia.

By some miracle of fate, the entire group managed to make it out to the little lake, alive...except for Aeris. But we all know that's a different story. Anyway, now was the moment of truth! The grand finale! The curtain call!

Cloud, who'd been trying very, very hard not to freak out about the dead body in his arms, cleared his throat and put on his best "angsty" face. "Would anyone like to say anything?"

"I want her materia!" Yuffie pleaded one last, desperate time. She actually looked sadder than Cloud. Go figure.

"Would you shut the #& up!" Cid actually seemed more annoyed than depressed. Although, it may be noted, he had put out his cigarette. Now, that's a show of respect if there ever was one.

"Guys!" Tifa cried, throwing her gloved hands into the air. She was standing beside Cloud, who was shaking his head in total annoyance and looking as if he just wanted to get the whole thing over with. For her part, Tifa had her head bowed respectfully. Aeris, meanwhile, lay in Cloud's arms, green eyes focused intently on the sky. But she was dead, so that's irrelevant.

Yet another deafening silence ensued...

"May her time in the afterlife be less painful than her life above. Considering the bleak nature of our current situation, she should count herself lucky." That was Vincent Valentine for you, optimist to the core. His cold gaze and pale skin almost made him look as dead as Aeris. In fact, Yuffie vocalized this notion, "Man, are you sure he's not the dead one?"

"You're #$!# crazy! Sho' a little respect!" Barret bellowed. "Alrigh', so Aeris was a good kid. Kinda annoyin' at times, but she was a pretty good kid. Yeah." Now, _that _was deep. If she'd been alive to hear it, goodness knows the words would have brought tears to Aeris' eyes. Barret, apparently, had run out of things to say, though, so he simply stood there, scratching his head.

Letting out a resigned sigh, Tifa waited for silence before saying, "Alright, _I'll _give the eulogy. Aeris Gainsborough was a wonderful woman. She was a good friend, a kind-hearted person all around. She will be sorely missed. Aeris, if you can hear us, know that we're grateful for your sacrifice."

Cloud turned to look at Tifa, an odd emotion showing in his blue eyes. It wasn't that he was particularly touched by her words, and he wasn't silently asking her anything. This wasn't a gaze that signalled a turning point in their relationship. He wasn't looking at her any differently than he had five minutes ago. No, if you want to know the truth, the look in Cloud's eyes was suspicion. Why? The eulogy Tifa had just given sounded a great deal like the one she'd given her goldfish at age ten... That is, if you replaced "Aeris" with "Mr. Flippyfins" and "woman" with "goldfish." Tifa apparently noticed his gaze, as she raised her finger to her lips and made a _shhh! _sound. So, instead of voicing his opinion, Cloud merely muttered, "Can I put her down now?"

At the martial artist's nod, he knelt at the lake's edge and unceremoniously dropped Aeris' body on the surface. There was a very loud _splash, _but aside from that, nothing much happened. And that "nothing happened" included the body, as well. As in, Aeris' pale, improbably clean corpse floated very serenely on the surface of the lake.

"Um, she's not sinking."

"Wow, really Spike-head? How the $#$ did you figure that one out?"

"I meant, what should we do, now, Cid."

"How the &$#$ should I know?"

Cloud said nothing and simply went back to rubbing his temples. He hadn't counted on this.

"Well, how come her materia isn't weighing her down? That'd make sense," Cait Sith added thoughtfully. He sent Yuffie the best suspicious glare his catty face could muster. The ninja whistled and looked the other direction.

"Well, why don't we tie rocks to her or something?" Yuffie chimed, eager to take the focus off Aeris' materia. Said materia was, by the way, currently stowed in her bag. That she'd gotten a hold of it so quickly—and with Cloud carrying Aeris—was certainly a testament to her thieving skills.

At Yuffie's question, the entire group (minus Aeris) turned to look at Vincent. It seemed like a cue for him to say something, you know, creepy. But "Demon boy" wasn't feeling the least bit social, at the moment; didn't they realize that it took time to think of weird, insightful, thought-provoking comments? He merely stared back through cold, dark eyes until his lack of blinking sent chills down their spines, and they turned attention away from him once more.

"We are _not _tying rocks to her feet," Tifa finally replied.

"Why not? It'd be easier!" Yuffie responded, peeved at Tifa's 'I'm more mature than you' glare.

"It's unethical!"

"Aw, she's dead! What does she care?"

"Yuffie!"

"Fine, fine... Whatever, see if I care. You guys deal with it."

Tifa sighed, instinctively looking to Cloud. The blonde hero, however, didn't turn to look back at her, seeing as his eyes were locked on another woman. "Um, Aeris is drifting away," he muttered. And, sure enough, the pink-clad corpse was floating off toward the center of the lake.

"We can't just leave her floating! Cloud, go get her!" Tifa cried. Her eyes had grown wide as she watched the saintly girl float further and further out of sight.

"What? Why me? I already carried her here!"

"Just go! Come on, be strong!"

"What kind of thing is that to say?" But, he was already wading into the lake toward the corpse. "Be strong, she says. Why don't you be strong, Tifa? You get out in the water. It's cold, you know," he continued muttering, carrying on a little dialogue as he disappeared further down into the lake. At last, he was close enough to reach Aeris, and he disdainfully grabbed her by a combat-booted foot. "There, I've got her," he called towards shore. Any ideas?"

"It appears that our only option may be to weigh her down somehow," Red XIII replied, thoughtfully as usual. He'd kept his silence for awhile, now, but they were wasting an awful lot of Sephiroth-hunting time here... It was getting sort of annoying.

"See? I told you!" Yuffie cried triumphantly. Tifa looked at the little ninja, and a sinister smile formed her lips. Yuffie didn't like the look of that smile...

"Well, since it was your brilliant idea, Yuffie," Tifa drawled. "Why don't you go out and grab a few rocks?"

"What? No way!"

"Jus' get the #$&# rocks, Yuffie! Let's get out o' here already!" No narrative comments were necessary to prove that Barret was annoyed.

"Besides, Yuffie," Cait Sith added slyly. "I seem to recall a certain ninja swiping a few things from behind Cloud on the walk over..."

"Alright, fiiiine! I'll do it! Sheesh!" Even Yuffie could tell when she was defeated. Muttering to herself in language Cid would have been proud to hear, she walked a little down the path.

Thus began another deafening and uncomfortable silence as the group waited for her return... The only sound was Cloud's panting and constant requests for aid as he swam frantically towards shore, towing Aeris behind him. For her part, Aeris merely continued to stare at the sky; apparently, not much had changed in her condition, but she was dead, so not much could be expected from her.

It seemed like an eternity had passed when Yuffie finally returned to the lakefront, dragging her pack behind her. "I've got..." she huffed, "the rocks..."

"'bout time. I'm getting #$&# tired of this place. Nothing alive around here, I tell ya. Place is creepy," Cid announced, chewing on his cigarette. All pretenses of respect had been thrust aside in favor of his nicotine addiction. Poor guy wasn't going to live past 40 at this rate... But, that wasn't relevant at the moment, seeing as the group had another dead body to deal with.

All of Aeris' pockets and her boots were filled to the brim with pebbles. A weeping Yuffie had been forced to surrender the dead girl's materia, and it was placed in its rightful positions on Aeris' body. At last, the "embalming" process was completed, and everyone waved their tearful farewells to Mr. Flippyfins...that is, Aeris; Tifa had accidentally slipped up in the retelling of her eulogy.

Now, it was _really_time for the moment of truth! The grand finale! The curtain call!

Cloud bent and scooped up the body once more. "Geez, how many pounds of rocks did you guys put on her?" he asked in annoyance as he nearly toppled over. Struggling and walking at a ridiculously slow pace, he moved into the water.

This time, a veritable eternity passed as Cloud moved towards the center of the lake. But, damn it, Aeris was heavy! And having to walk in water wasn't helping matters. "Is this far enough?" Cloud shouted.

"A little farther! We don't want her coming to shore!" Tifa cried back.

Cloud continued his earlier rants about Tifa's 'be strong' speeches as continued into the water. "How 'bout now?"

"A little farther!"

Two more steps. "NOW?"

"Cloud, now you're just being childish! Take her out to the middle!"

"I passed the middle ten minutes ago!"

"Did not! Keep walking!"

And, so he did. But the water was growing deeper faster and faster, and not wanting to end up like Aeris, Cloud promptly let go of the body.

Beautiful to the last second, the Ancient's angelic form descended slowly to the depths of the crystalline lake, while the blonde-haired hero sadly trudged to the shore... Oh, yes, this was a scene from fairy tales, children's picture books, a Pulitzer prize winning photo—

"EW!" Yuffie shrieked. "Is that an octopus stuck to her hair!" And, for the second time that day, the impatient girl had ruined a dramatic scene.

"That _is _her hair, you stupid #$#&!" Barret screamed, waving his massive arms into the air. If he kept doing that, one of these days, his gunarm was going to misfire... Of course, from the looks on their faces, the group wouldn't have minded losing Yuffie...

"Cloud?" Tifa murmured, ignoring the angry brawl going on in the background as she stared worriedly at the soaked blonde.

"Yeah?"

"Doesn't something about this seem a little...weird?"

"What do you mean, Tifa?" Cloud really didn't care what was weird, anymore. In fact, he looked wholly annoyed as he tried in vain to wring the water out of his favorite blue shirt. Plus, he was shaking uncontrollably. That water had been really, really cold... "Listen, Tifa, I th-think I m-might have hypo-hypothermia or something. D-do you have a f-fire materia?"

"Cloud, we'll talk about that later!" Tifa snapped in response. Cloud dropped his head dejectedly, continuing to shiver. "I mean, doesn't something seem odd about the water?"

"You m-mean b-besides the fact that it's ice c-cold?"

"I mean, isn't it awfully _clean_?" she responded. "Oh...god.. You don't think it's a water treatment plant, do you? Bone City is right up the valley..."

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It was a sunny morning in Bone City. Unbeknownst to most, the archeological dig site also housed a lovely residential district! Hey, diggers have families, too...

Well, in one sunlit kitchen on this very sunny morning, there sat a very sunny-faced little boy across from his mother, smiling with her very sunny disposition. "Honey, don't forget to finish your water!"

"But, mooommy!" the darling little boy replied, "I don't wanna drink the water."

"Oh, but why ever not, honey bunch? Water is good for the body, you know! And if you don't drink lots of water, you'll get dehydrated!"

"But mommy! Why does the water smell like dead people?"

"Oh, dear..."

Fin.


End file.
